apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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