I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
