Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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