Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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