I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
How naked do you want me to be?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize