She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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