Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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