He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
