it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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