I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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