If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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