I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
