you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
