why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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