she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
