I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
