yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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