at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
