so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That's how pantless uber rides happen
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
