You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize