What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
