mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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