i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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