We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
