i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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