I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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