I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
