Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
