Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
