Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Randomize