I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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