This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
