Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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