Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
