i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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