I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
