Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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