I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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