Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
