Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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