If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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