Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
