Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
