You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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