you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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