then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
