Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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