Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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