I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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