I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
