at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
