I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
