My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
