Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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