Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
