I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize