Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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