I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
