marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
