9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
