i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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