Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
